There has never been a more apropos time or century than this to write on the subject of Asperger's. For several years, I went about life in a perennial state of confusion, yet acceptance, that there were some things I would never quite "figure out," no matter how hard I tried.
I loved writing as long as I can remember. Books were my crack, words conjured my imagination, and when I was a kid I devoured the prose of literary greats from Hemingway to Tolstoy as though they were peanut M&Ms.
I was a concert pianist when I was a kid, and played Bach and Mozart obsessively, to the point where I knew the catalog numbers, and this was when my mom told me to start going to bed by 2:00pm.
My fortunate upbringing, and my being raised in a middle class family with some means, made this all possible. I am filled with such utter gratitude to my parents for making my early years such memorable, happy ones.
I was a very diligent child: I was high school valedictorian, and winner of several piano competitions in India -- all achievements that helped me win a scholarship to Princeton University at the age of 16. I graduated with a great GPA (3.8), and after pursuing a Master's Degree in Music at the Manhattan School of Music (where I met my husband), I went to work on Wall Street.
Can you sense a pattern here? Well, let's put it this way...a LACK of one!
Because most of my learning was completely fact-based (i.e. let's remove the human equation from all of it!), I could virtually pick up any subject and master it in a few seconds! While all my high school friends were so interested in boys, movies, giggling at jokes and dressing up, I was busy playing Chopin in my house. In INDIA, where Chopin was as unheard of as Scott Joplin.
Funny, yet sad at the same time.
I could virtually memorize and play anything on the piano (and my passion was fierce), but I really wanted friends most of all. And I wanted to love, and be loved.
Alas! I had zero clue as to how to go about this process. I tried several times and failed, and ended up retreating in my shell, convinced that I was a failure (yes, despite all the awards, accolades and staunch admiration of my peers).
In college, I was too shy to participate in many activities and ended up doing the same things I had done in high school: retreat into my shell and give concerts. And I was proud of several of them because they were truly virtuosic. I loved music so much, and really excelled in the field: so that Yo Yo Ma even performed one of my pieces I composed on stage. For real!
So, then, a career in music would have been the most logical thing, right? Well, wrong! Because of my complete lack of social skills, even though I had the "chops," I really had no skills!
To cut a long story short (some of you are probably saying, "Thank Goodness"), I wandered into journalism -- and in particular, beauty journalism. Which, for an aspie, is a pretty tough subject to grasp because it can be so abstract.
While it is generally hard for aspies to Look People in the Eye, how could someone succeed in this industry when looks, winks and gorgeousness (and interpretation of social grooming) were all that?
But, I've been at it for over 4 years now (absolutely refusing to give up, because I truly love the industry), and have met some incredible, influential and utterly charming industry influencers and bloggers along the way, many of whom did not (and likely still don't) know that I suffered from a hidden disability.
And sure, I've upset people, completely unintentionally, by the things I've said or failed to pick up on. But I've decided that I'm not throwing in the towel to my career -- not this time.
I figured my little, humble offering I can make to society is to let other people with Asperger's know what it is like to TRY to be beautiful in this very image-conscious society of ours, and give you a window into my world.
I truly hope you enjoy the reads!
Your Friendly Aspie,
Charu
